I spent a long time today staring at a page of internet instructions, wondering how they would ever work in real life. Knit two-thirds of the way through the row, and then turn it around? What happens to the other third of the stitches? But eventually, I felt was convinced that it wasn’t entirely foolery, so I decided to try it out.

I’ve never knitted a sock before. It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world, but that’s only true for a sock that’s just a cylinder with a closed end. An actual sock forms a weird L-shape, and that made the instructions a very nontrivial complicated mass of confusing.

The knitted sock actually has six different parts: cuff, heel, gusset, instep, sole, and toe. Each is knitted a different way. For once, I took the Internet’s advice, and knitted a small practice sock before trying an actual one. I’m glad I did. I learned several things that I’ll do more neatly now, and two things that I’ll do differently in the actual sock. It turns out that for something as narrow as a sock, twice-as-thick ribbing (vertical stripes) in the cuff aren’t as pretty, and also, I’m not going to tie an large ungainly finishing knot on the outside this time.

I was really happy that it came out sock-shaped though. That’s happy. I’m confident enough to go acquire some blue sock yarn and start on an actual one tomorrow.

One thing that’s surprising is that it seems easier to do a lot on one day than to do a little. It’s as though I’m reluctant to do anything, but then once I get started, it’s easier to keep on going. Or maybe it’s that when I absolutely have to do things, they just kind of happen.

I let my phone alarm ring for another half an hour this morning. I was going to get up and get breakfast, but when I’m in bed, staying in bed seems a lot easier than getting up and going to breakfast. I pretty much know what my schedule will look like, so I just attended the two classes I’m taking that were meeting today. The first was Fractal Geometry. Rachel told me it was not very difficult but interesting, and Kevin told me that the professor was really good. The professor was awesome! She was a good lecturer, and she seemed really really cool. She had her hair spiked up like an anime character, and I thought that I could totally have a crush on my Fractal Geometry professor were I not already very much in love with someone else. The other class was Systems and Control (an engineering class), where professor at first glance seems like a typical half-asleep professor, but when he begins talking he becomes very animated, and his lectures are dotted with little anecdotes.

But in between, I met with the director of undergraduate studies (DUS) of the math department. He was a very dignified person, but he seemed fond of life and challenges. He asked me what courses I’d taken, and I told him that last semester I was in Complex Analysis with professor ScaryFace. He laughed and said he’d been listening to the lectures (his office is right next to where the Complex Analysis classroom was). He said it sounded like professor ScaryFace had covered a great deal of material very quickly. It’s much easier to be fond of professor ScaryFace now that I’m no longer taking his course, and I answered that he’d had his heart set on covering the Prime Number Theorem. He’s told us at the beginning of class it was what he wanted to do, and he’d gone and done it. The DUS said he’d taken two complex analysis courses, and neither one had covered that. He said it was usually in the realm of Analytic Number Theory.

I asked him what was meant by an “advanced science”, and he said it was intended to be a physical science, like physics or chemistry. I asked him if there was anything I had that might count towards a BS in math. He seemed apologetic and very diplomatically said no, and said it was still an accomplishment to do a BA in math and an EECS degree, and then he asked why I wanted the BS. In the moment, I felt like I could answer honestly without justifications, and that he would understand because he must’ve experienced such a thing before. I told him, “because it’s there.” It seemed like he did understand why someone could be motivated by such a thing. In the end, I decided not to though, because it would involve two additional advanced physics or chemistry courses (for a total of seven), and I’m not so very fond of either physics or chemistry.

After the engineering class, I went to meet with Professor Algorithms, and to ask for a senior project. He said he didn’t have any in mind, but that he’d think about it, and to email him again on Friday. He said he usually advised people to implement and test a newly-published algorithm, and that more rarely he’d give an actual problem to work on, but that it was more risky. He said in the past, students had sometimes not finished, or not made as much progress as they’d've liked. I said I wanted to do something exciting. I wanted to come up with a new algorithm! But I understand that such a thing is a bit risky, but that’s what I want to do. That’s the sort of thing that would feel like I was lending a bit of energy to the great wheel of invention, making human progress a bit greater than it was before.

Great flying FSM; I sound like a raging romantic about science and invention.

I went to see the DUS of engineering also, to see if my schedule was acceptable for the major, and he said he’d talk to the CS department, but that it was fine with him.

Then I came home and TAed my AoPS Pre-Algebra class, and then chattered at a student for a bit. This particular student is something of a little budding political theorist or something, well trained in the art of Sounding Impressive. I had to keep translating what she said into simple words and asking, is this what you mean, or else asking for examples, and in the end I’m still not quite sure. Half an hour after class ended, the instructor (who was still in that classroom) told me another class’s assistant had not shown up, and asking if I had time. I said I did, and told the kid I had to run. She also said she was late for another class. It turned out to be the same one I was being called on to assist.

Little students are adorable. Being busy is actually very satisfying.

Today was the first day of classes. My sleep schedule had been drifting all through break, although slower than during school. In Florida, I got about an hour later ever two days. The night before I left, I packed, and then I just didn’t go to bed until 4:00. I woke up an hour later to fly out to Discord’s, where I didn’t drift at all and went to bed around 23:00 each night. In the whole of my stay there, I might have drifted an hour total. As soon as I returned to campus though, I gained two hours right away. 23:00 Discordian is actually 1:00 the next day Eastern.

Last night, I planned to go to bed early and wake up early for classes today. I swore off Terraria for the entirety of the first week, not to be touched again until Saturday.

I ended up staying awake until 6:00, because as soon as I went to bed, I’d wake up and it would be “tomorrow” and I wouldn’t get to play again for a week. Getting out of bed was a struggle.

But then, as soon as I was awake, everything was exciting again! I went to four classes today. The first was Art, Love, and Beauty, which sounded a lot more interesting than it was. It turned out to be a rather dull study of the writings of famous artists, and how they felt about the three subjects. Kevin and I left about halfway through, got breakfast, and then I picked up a double major application. I attended Topics in Artificial Intelligence, where we talked about the logistics of the course, and then Professor dismissed us after half an hour of the 75-minute class. I went to the Zoo and wrote out a draft of the courses I would declare on the double-major form. I attended math senior seminar, where Professor seemed really confused by online sign-up sheets (for presentation topics), and we were also released half an hour early. I attended half an hour of Intermediate Complex Analysis.

Then I scurried to make my meeting with my class advisor in Computer Science. It turns out that if I can get another one of my Budapest math classes to count as my linear algebra requirement for Electrical Engineering, and if two of my EECS electives count as “advanced science” credits, then I can finish a BS in math also, and if not, then I can either try to take a sixth course (here we go again), or I can just take a BA in math.

I swung by the post office on the way back and then got online. Pesto recruited me onto his MIT Hunt team before soundly crushing me into the ground in Race for the Galaxy. I don’t even know what an MIT Hunt is, or how it works, but I have until Friday to figure it out.

It looks like I’m not having any classes on Fridays, so that’s convenient.

Things are hectic again, but I rather like the feeling of hurrying down the street with a purpose. It makes me feel like a Real Person again.

I’m done with everything for tonight. I wish I could play Terraria again, but if I did, I’d probably be up until late, and I’m quite tired. Maybe tonight will be an early bed night. I always thought I’d just stop playing, and it would be easy, but it isn’t. But even though it’s early, I don’t want to start up again. I’ve broken so many commitments to myself in the past. It feels like it would be so easy to break another one; I don’t actually want to do that. If I try really hard to keep this one, maybe it will get easier in the future. Maybe I’ll turn into the kind of person that has credibility with myself.

I was instructed (challenged!) to write a rant about Beyonce’s baby’s name. I protested. How is that supposed to take a hundred words? But here we go.

The baby’s name is Blue. Blue Ivy is a girl. It’s not the worst name imaginable, but I rather prefer “Ivy Blue” over “Blue Ivy”. There was a character in Sinfest named Baby Blue, and another named Fuchsia.

I heard that in Germany, it was once required that names clearly identify the person’s gender. I don’t know if that’s still true today.

I guess a child’s name is a statement many people will have no choice but to hear, so it’s probably pretty tempting to give a pithy, clever name. I’d like to name a child Kite. I saw it online somewhere as a good name for a kid who “gets high on life”, and that sounds like the happiest philosophy ever.

It turns out that when a specific boss monster is killed, EVERYTHING spawns bigger, more predative, teleporting versions of themselves. Suddenly, the very caverns where Catalan died over and over again when I was just starting out were as impenetrable as back then. I ran around the caverns until real-life sunrise, and then looked up, saw the light coming through the window, and was appalled with myself.

There must be a law of video games that says whatever material you need is ALWAYS in the greatest scarcity.

But I’ve found something interesting. All the old locations where I used to lose very quickly are now completely accessible. So I guess something about everything being harder actually does make one a bit better, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Today wasn’t terribly exciting. If I tried to write about today, it would probably be about Terraria again, so I’m going to go back a few days and write about an incident that happened then. Sometimes, I can’t tell right away which moments will be significant later on.

As Discord and I were leaving for the airport, his mother wished me happy travels. I thanked her for having me over, and she told me not to bow to her. She said, “we only bow to God in this house” and read to us from her Bible, and the verse she chose said (as close as I can remember), “God gives eternal life.” That moment stands out in my mind. It illustrates very plainly how very serious she is about it. She seems to actually believe it, and to want others to believe it too, because she thinks it is a good thing. She wants others to believe it the same way I want people to sign up for cryonics.

I imagined growing up with people who wanted one to be a certain religion, and wanted it because they loved one and wanted the best for one. What happens when they decide it’s not for them? Then their parents are truly and honestly upset, the same way I’d be upset if my family member began smoking, because I think smoking is destructive. So too would they think one’s soul was in danger. I remembered Badger telling me over the summer about discovering as a high-schooler that he didn’t actually believe in the religion of his parents, and telling them, and how disappointed and upset they had been, and how unhappy his coming out had been. I remembered a conversation between Discord and his grandfather. And I know what it feels like for one’s family to be disappointed and disapproving all the time.

I’ve realized that Badger and Discord and the many others who’ve broken away from the established religion of their families have endured, and must still continue to endure a great deal. It’s easier to not care what my classmates thought about my atheism, but much harder when the very people who are one’s family are the ones who feel strongly about it.

I don’t actually feel like doing anything at all, and that’s rather silly. I woke up, and it was mid-afternoon, and I had three hours to shower, acquire a nice card, write in it, and get it to the post office before it closed at 17:30.

I don’t really remember showering much. I know that I did do it, because I remember toweling my hair and combing it, but the actual time I was in the shower is hard to remember; I guess I wasn’t much awake at that point. I reluctantly prepared to leave my room and go to Walgreens.

Finding a dignified card was difficult! It turned out that (with winter holidays just barely over), the world is already preparing for Commercial Conglomerate Day (more commonly known by “Valentine’s Day”), and a whole half the cards rack was a sickening red-and-pink mass. Of the remaining all-time cards, many of them were sappy romantic things of surprising varieties: “young love” and “trouble relationship” and “new love” and the ilk. Of the four or so cards with the right message, three of them were bright-plastic-colored cartoony things, and I was very fortunate to find one that was reasonably proper and elegant.

I left my room at around 17:20 for the post office, and was disappointed to find that the last mail pick-up was at 17:00. Then, I couldn’t unlock my mailbox. I went to the counter, and it turned out that my box had expired on December 31st. I was fortunate that it was not quite 17:30 yet. I went to pay for another six months, and the lady behind the counter told me that I had a minute left before they closed down for the night.

On the way back, I stopped by Ivy Noodle for dinner (turnip cakes and rice porridge with century egg), and then I played Terraria for a long whiles. All this Terraria is getting a bit out of hand.

I don’t feel like doing anything! I don’t feel like checking my email or keeping up with SetMao or even raising my virtual dragons. Maybe it’s just the result of traveling and just getting back. If this keeps up, tomorrow will be a 5-Hour Energy and Occupy the Math Lounge sort of day.

Today was one of those strange days where everything is sad and contented at the same time. It is one of those things a poet might call “bittersweet”, back in the days when people could still take such words seriously.

I woke up at 4:30 and dragged myself out of bed. Discord was already awake. He was very sweet and got up at that impossible hour to send me to the airport. The Queen Discord was awake as well to see us off with a Bible verse. I felt it was quite sweet of her, even though I couldn’t help snickering about the Bible passage once I got into the car.

This time, it was I who vanished into the Internets, but it was still the saddest thing ever.

The flights were uneventful, as was the shuttle back to campus. I spent much of it playing Terraria or Set, and then I looked up to see us passing by the Zoo (computer lab). I am happy to be back.

But there isn’t anything close enough to look forward to anymore. As the year started, it was the next Friday class, then the Singularity Summit, then Thanksgiving break, then winter break, but now it’s all past and the next nearest anything looks like not until spring break, and even that will be busy. I don’t know when to find Discord anymore. I’ve become too used to having a definite next time, but I’m not certain to have time for epic quests until this next semester ends. This feels strange. I’m not so fond of being a non-real-life internet creature.

We went to the zoo today! The actual zoo, with actual animals, as opposed to the computer lab. Right as we walked in, there was a pond filled with bright red flamingos, gaudy peacocks, and multicolored ducks. There were ducks and peacocks all throughout the zoo. I believe the just roamed about with predator-free impunity.

There was this stumpy brown wombat! It was actually a very cute creature. There were a great many very large rodent-looking things: the wombat, the capybara, and the binturong, something that I believe was a marmot. And a big tank of sea lions! There was one really huge hefty one that “looked a great big cylinder of blubber pinched off at both ends” with flippers stuck to the tail end. He swam by undulating around the tank, compressing his flippers as his bulk waved up and down.

We came upon an inquisitive giraffe, who seemed rather puzzled by us. He walked towards us on his long stilted legs, tilted his head, and peered curiously at us. His head had two knobbly little nubs on it. As we watched him, two little girls ran up, seeming amazed by the huge creature. They said hi to him together. It was very cute. We wondered why a giraffe’s front legs were longer than its back legs.

I was fondest of a Sulfur-Crested Cockatoo, which could climb up the wires of its cage and climb around the ceiling by clinging to it. It walked over to a branch and began turning somersaults upon it, round and round and round. I didn’t want to leave it, but eventually we had to move on. We walked away, with ever-fainter cries of “Hi! Hi!” echoing behind us as we left.

There were a great many primates there. One spider monkey clung to the roof of its enclosure with its tail as it pried at a metal sort of hatch near the ceiling. We passed by the chimpanzees and spent a long whiles watching them. After reading a striking report of violence among chimpanzees some months back, I’ve always thought of social machinations and unrest whenever I read of or saw or heard of chimpanzees, and I wonder if they would count as “persons”. I wondered if they were bored, the eight or so of them in that enclosure.

We ended by looking at two huge crocodiles with big pointy teeth, lying in symmetric positions next to two symmetric ponds. We left the zoo with great graey vultures hovering over our heads.

Discord’s family invited me to church, and so yesterday morning, I went to church and listened to a sermon.

Holy project to infinity, it was the most despairing thing I’d heard in a long whiles. Yesterday’s theme was that humans were helpless and could only be saved by belief in Jesus. The speaker emphasized over and over that we could not save ourselves by our own power, and that salvation was from accepting Jesus as one’s savior, rather from following laws or attending church or doing good deeds. We were each given a little pamphlet with some quotes, the most thematically-relevant one reproduced below:

“A truly humble man is sensible of his natural distance from God; of his dependence on Him; of the insufficiency of his own power and wisdom; and that it is by God’s power that he is upheld and provided for, and that he needs God’s wisdom to lead and guide him, and His might to enable him to do what he ought to do for Him.” — Jonathan Edwards

Contrast to that the opening of the second stanza of L’Internationale, the anthem of communist nations:

“There are no supreme saviours
Neither God, nor Caesar, nor tribune.
Producers, let us save ourselves. . . .”

All the while, the words learned helplessness echoed in my mind’s voice, over and over. Why are you telling your congregation that they are helpless? And I thought about us as a species, we who are constrained always by the workings of the physical world, we who can do nothing more than put some of the things around us in different places. By understanding the workings of the world, we manipulated the objects around us so that when we released them, they fell in certain ways, triggered certain other objects to move, causing things to come into contact or break contact, and it all happens in a way that is useful to us. We programmed the world around us. Everything we discover is a bit more of the language that the universe is programmed in that we become a master of, and then we use it to program the universe to our will. We humans built buildings rising towards the sky. We humans looked at birds and found a way to fly. We humans sent the Voyager space probes out into space. All throughout history, we have looked at the world and bent it to our will. And then, the church speaks, and it says, you need a supernatural force to save you because you cannot save yourselves.

But I’ve grown all too used to humankind being grand adventurers, heroes who struggle relentlessly in a confusing world, and ultimately, we progress.

It saddened me that the speaker spoke so fervently of such a pessimistic vision of humans, and it seemed to him like a glorious thing. It seemed that he felt honored and fortunate to think of us as such. He had outsourced his salvation to another source. He found it beautiful. I was frightened to think that perhaps all the people in the room were feeling deeply moved by such a message as that one! I hoped that some of them would think, no, I want to be in control. But I guess if they’ve been to enough church sessions, they’d just dismiss it as human folly or something. Why, why are we supposed to glory in our misery?

As we walked outside, I looked at the bright bright sky. The world is beautiful. It is beautiful if there is a god, and it is beautiful if there isn’t.