March 21, 2011

  • Positive Feedback

    Anyone who has ever belonged to a group, or a club, or a forum, must see the appeal of such a congregation. Even if they have not attained it themselves. For right up there, right at the foundation of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, sits the hefty block labeled "belonging," the most fundamental of the non-essential needs. It is merely rudimentary that to find and attach oneself to an in-group provides that very sense of belonging.

    Over time, the in-group develops a shared culture, a kind of group personality. Alice says to Bob, blah-and-blah, and it's all very much like a coded signal. Bob receives the signal and correctly interprets it. They think, we mutually understand each other; we're all so close to each other! We understand each other! And they rejoice, and it's all a big positive feedback loop.

    But one can't be close to everyone else in the world. The very memes that bind you close serve as well to isolate you from others. If everyone understood your encoded signals, would there be anything special about Bob? (Would there remain any positive reinforcement in it?)

    Imagine now that Carol is a visitor, or perhaps she is new. Bob invited her along, saying, you'll love it! It's such a close-knit group! We're all so close to each other! And Alice says, blah-and-blah, and Bob interprets it, but Carol doesn't share the same background knowledge and inside experience that Alice and Bob share. She can tell that a signal is being sent, but she can't interpret it, and it's very much like being unable to solve a physics problem in her high school textbook. As time wears on, more and more signals that she receives but can't interpret. Each one a little ping of failure against her psyche.

    The in-group touting their closeness as the great virtue they feel it to be. Outside it all, Carol, alone, watching. At best, she is bored; at worst, she is sad and lonely.

    Perhaps if there is something else that she shares with the group, something which resonates deeply with her, Carol will continue to spend time with them. Over time, she will come to recognize the signals and become more able to take part in that cryptic, shared culture. But the culture alone will not be enough to draw her in.

    In all likelihood, one doesn't simply waltz into a group and fit right in. Take care not to alienate the very people you love and wish to love you back.