September 7, 2010

• Project to Infinity

  Tuesday, September 7, 2010

  This is actually Monday, but it's a bit after midnight. Today was the first day of classes, but more on that later.

  When Emmy said she wanted to move out, I said something along the lines of, I'm fine with that. I was fine with her moving out, under the assumption that it wouldn't make my rent twice as expensive or anything. But today, she said that I would probably be expected to pay rent for the whole apartment, not just for one person. If her moving out makes my rent twice as expensive, I'm not actually fine with that. Who in the world would interpret fine with someone moving out as fine with any foreseeable consequence? That's like saying, I'm going to the store, and I say, ok, but that's implicitly also fine for wrecking the car on the way there or something. It isn't. I'm not made of money, and I am not paying twice as much for rent because she wants to move out, and I am prepared to impose my will upon her and refuse to pay full apartment, or at least, I am prepared to refuse her will imposed upon me if it would force me to pay full apartment.

  I am really getting a bit annoyed. She likes to go out touring and travel with someone, but that means that if she doesn't like to travel in the dark, I have to go too, and there's no real way I can say, no, I want to stay, because she doesn't travel alone, and I'd be forcing her to stay, and she's reasonable in not wanting to travel after dark. But I don't mind, and I'd rather stay a bit longer. And I want to stop and pick up pastries when I choose, and I don't care if I look like a lost foreigner, and I'm tired of this let's not do anything until we know what we're doing business. I'm not afraid of looking like a lost foreigner, but I don't want to turn around and go right back for fear of looking lost; I'd rather stop and look around in puzzlement and ponder out which way next. And I can't walk the streets at random because she says we'll get lost and she thinks it looks sketchy, but that's what I like most, and not doing that for me is something akin to not going touring to her, but she doesn't like to travel alone. But I like to walk around alone, and I'm going to do it eventually, and I'm not going to go home when we've seen the statues for the day, and I'm not going to look at a map and figure out where the statues are. I'm going to walk around by myself and go wherever I feel like, and if I get lost, I'll figure out how to get back, or I'll random number the intersections, and maybe I'll do that anyways. And I'm not going to be all hesitant about buying groceries either, for fear of getting the wrong thing or not weighing the vegetables correctly or looking like a lost foreigner. Project to infinity. I am getting really annoyed. It's like she doesn't even realize that she's imposing her will, or maybe I'm just a wuss who can't say no. Everything is always presented in a way that would be appealing to any sane person, and I'd seem like the unreasonable one if I said no. Project to infinity. Most likely she's normal, and I'm atypical, and she's probably used to the people around her being normal rather than atypical.

  I need to go to sleep, or I shall have a hard time waking up. I think my first class is a couple hours earlier than hers, so I can go to campus by myself this time and pick up a pastry on the way there without any resistance.

  • 5:37 pm
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